Introspection!!

Its been 4 months now I have had the same old routine. Wake up by 7.30, take the first bus to office at 8.30am, change 2 buses, reach by 9.30, work till 7pm, take the return bus, change 2 buses, reach back by 9, have dinner and finally hit the bed!!!!

Yes, that’s the short summary of my life since Jan 2009… Work while studying has been a real tough job… Staying in the hostel, working while others enjoy their last few MBA days… Rushing back to relax while others going out for partying… People around have had actually started pitying me for no work-life balance!

But as always, I am absolutely not complaining!!!

Though I’ve missed freaking out in the last few MBA days, I’ve had my own share of happiness! It was initially tough to handle work with studies, however I’ve been strong enough to cope both of it together! I’m not being boastful of myself but am really proud of the way I have spent these months!

One of the things I specifically liked was the commute time. I was and am still traveling by road for almost 3 hours a day. Its tough changing buses every 20 minutes but as I said, am not complaining!! According to me, this is the most valuable time I spend with myself. Always pre-occupied with work or friends, there is hardly any time to think, feel, analyze, and rethink about my daily actions and its repercussions. It's sometimes hard to remember who you really are when every day you're faced with ordinary life and you're pulled some way or the other by different people in different situations.

Sitting in the bus, I look out at people movements. The pace, anxiety, hardness and the spirit with which everyone moves around encourage my inner strength! This is the moment when my inner-self realizes that there is a lot more to give and take from life. The inner ‘me’ provides the motivation to put that ‘extra effort’ every single day!

Unaffected by the noise around, this is the time I peep in through myself to understand all the good and bad deeds done by me. I realize my actions I have to build on or let go off in order to succeed in every single task. And my inner self gives me the comfort in knowing that simple lessons in the right direction can help clear obstacles in front of you. It becomes easier for me to face my fears, anxieties and insecurities because I give myself the permission and strength to experience these things; it becomes easier for me to act with honesty and openness.

The phenomenon called ‘Observant Learning’, I have also discovered lotta new things about the local culture!! So much to observe, so much to understand and learn especially when one is outside the native city!

My family and friends are continuously pushing me towards taking a place somewhere near my office and avoid long commutes but somehow I have never been able to explain them the goodness behind it. I know I have to shift soon because of the hostel guidelines but I would always cherish the time that I spent with myself!


Would like to end with the a quote:
‘Self observation is essential to self growth. You must first understand the motives for your own actions in order to understand others’

Maximus…. the Puppy!

Introduction: Meet Maximus, the magnanimous dog, now a two-year-old puppy; one of the world's gentlest creatures

Nickname: Maxo

Age: Two Years

Breed: Labrador

Personality: Bright, sweet, loving, energetic.

Likes: People attention, praises, food, AC and bitches.

Dislikes: Bathing, Phus-Phus (the tick spray), noise and stressful situations

Favorite Toy: Slingshot ball

Why am I introducing him is for the reason that he helped me let go off my dog-phobia. I used to be extremely scared of dogs, particularly the strays on the streets of the bustling Indian cities, especially once I saw one biting my friend. I always used to walk few feet from any dog with the fear of being bitten, however since I’ve met Maxo, my fear has turned into a new-found love and respect for dogs. Well, Maxo is none other than one of my friend’s dog whose place I once went for a stay.

My first ever encounter with dogs was when I was barely 5-6 years old. She was my neighbour’s sweet lil bitch; very protective of the kids at home, but scared the heck out of relatives and friends. Thus my companionship with her never grew! Moreover, none in my family and friends’ circle ever had a dog. So I have always been aloof from them.

The day I met Maxo, it was initially scary for me. I was told that he is a puppy, but as I saw this huge, big dog, I was all frightened!!! He came running towards me and I felt as if I’m gone lose my life… The laptop which I was holding simply fell down from my shoulders [Luckily it was my friend’s :) ]

The time after that was simply amazing… Maxo was friendly to me; got toys asking me to play with him! The various interactions showed that he was treated as the smallest son of the family and was pampered like anything! I understood different emotions of this loving creature and realized that though he walks vigorously, eats voraciously and enjoys life, he is extremely innocent and harmless!

I wondered how dogs can be a source of happiness in the family.. Its like having a baby in your family whom you just cant stop admiring! I learnt that as is case with children, the family upbringing also impacts the way dogs behave and I want to appreciate and recognize such families who are gracious enough to love and feed dogs.

However, a thought always tickles me, ‘If dogs are so lovable, why is the word used in a negative connotation!!

My Thoughts!!!

Its been a month since I have posted anything on my blog. I wanted to write. Yes I wanted to, but the right words just never came up!
It had become difficult for me to write down my thoughts with right set of words and right mix of emotions. And if I have to blame someone, LIFE is the reason for all this. Life to me is not what I thought it was. It is beyond my imagination. The existence of struggle had shaken out my faith foundation in God. The depression had constantly hit me all over. I took a long break, went back home, looked within myself and realized that God has allowed the failures and loneliness to strike on us, because it is through our failures and sadness that draws us closer to Him spiritually..
He showed me a light of hope and here I am… Normal, sane!

Recently, my mentor (the motivation behind starting my own blog) asked me the reason for not blogging..
I was stuck.. how do I say it is my depressed state of mind! So here it went..
‘Hmm..Well.. Iv been bit busy these days…’
‘So?’
‘I have been working the whole day and to top it, have my dissertation report to be submitted!’
‘Oh, so you mean to say you cant even spare 5 min each day!’
SLAP!!!! THINK.. THINK.. THINK…. ! Fail……
‘Sorry… Its just been sheer ignorance. I’l make sure I’l write one soon…’
‘Yes dear, a blog is an expression of your thoughts… it hardly takes any time to write a post. And don’t worry, time will make things better. God sometimes tests the best of the students. Don’t stop blogging because it is the best medium to express yourself and whenever you write anything, you do write well!!!

I was flattered!!! Its been a long time I’ve received praises! A good word, especially in your bad time, especially from such a successful person, especially from someone outside your family, is like rejuvenation!

I sat back, promising that I will capture my thoughts, feelings and interests and share them with anybody and everybody online, whether they are interested in them or not. This blog would serve as fertile ground for my experiment in reflective practice.

What can (could) I (have) do (done) better? I can censor myself less by writing in a manner that more closely resembles my spoken voice. There is little that is not public, and maintaining a personal blog is one way to own my (virtual) identity. Restated in a positive way, I can be more authentic and self-identified.

Thank You mentor as those inspiring words were one of the reasons to bring me back to life!

Insanity flows in...

I open my eyes and then close 'em again...
and then I hope and then I open 'em again..
nah..no change..

It is said that when you are confused and unable to make a decision, close your eyes, loose yourself and let your sub-conscious decide. Now here is my question… what if my sub-conscious is in complete adherence with myself and stands with a smirk on its face and a confused emotion poking at me?

When you are going nowhere...you are going nowhere! Let alone my subconscious. Even my super-conscious is equally amused at my present state of hysteria. I know I have been asking too many questions lately but then I have never been a great preacher, just a curious soul! Do you know what’s my favorite posture? Arms wide open… looking up in the sky feeling the wind across my face..mind full of thoughts, hearing, feeling, taking deep breaths, a wry smile on the face, taking hit after hit....BLANK....absorbing what the world has to offer.

It is said that your best comes when you are at your worst, pushed against the wall.
I don't think its my worst yet...

So bite me Oh...almighty....

'coz I want to be at my best!

there goes the sanity, there goes regret...
this ain't the end...'coz I ain't smiling yet!

Right this very moment...All I want to do is:
Spread my arms...
Take a deep breath..
Close my eyes...
Float...
Not thinking...
Empty-headed...
I believe, its a momentary state of numbness...
Soaked with music...I feel like headbanging.. :)

[P.S: This is not my original piece of work. My brain is not in a state of mind to think.]

Revisiting Mumbai...

I thought I would not write about the terror attacks as so much has already been written and shown about it everywhere; it would relatively make my post less significant. However I would not have ‘felt good’ unless I posted this one!

My recent visit to Mumbai made me visit the Taj. Though I have been there numerous times, I wanted to visit it again. This may be because for reasons unknown, Mumbai has become a significant part of me! My 2-month stay here has inculcated in me a sense of belongingness for the city. As I reached South Mumbai, the desperation in me to see Taj started increasing. How would the place where I used to hang out, look like now? Is it really as burnt as shown by media? Would the birds still be chirping there? As these thoughts kept revolving in my mind, I realized I was standing besides Taj. However we were not allowed to pass through the front as the main road was blocked and the renovation work going on. Even the Gateway was closed.

I stood besides the historic monument and could not take my eyes off it. I kept thinking about bloodshed, cruel killing, guns, commandoes and what not… and was wondering what would I have done had I been at this place during the attacks!
And as I stood by the side recalling what happened, a sudden wave of terror passed within me. I started feeling so vulnerable! What if some guys come here and actually shoot me? Is my life so unpredictable? Why am I not safe in my own country?

Suddenly there were tears in my eyes, thou’ unnoticed by my friends! I wondered why one needs to kill and what is the point in killing innocent people? And the 100-odd who died - what about their families? What happens to them now? What about children who have lost their fathers and mothers? What about parents who have lost their sons and daughters? What about all those people living in the city unsure about their family, about friends, unsure about their own safety?

I thereon saw many people coming with their families to have a glimpse of the historic place. They stood besides me sipping coffee and discussing about terrific attacks. And me, still in my state of fear, started looking at people with suspicion…. How many bags is that person carrying? Who are they looking at? What are they talking about?
Random thoughts started building within me. How can people continue staying the same way? Are we ourselves responsible for the trauma we going through?

I feel miserable and extremely sad. I felt the way a child feels when her mother is not doing too good. This is the country that took care of me and kept me safe. I love her tremendously and can’t bear the pain.
I know Mumbai will bounce back to her old, raunchy, metrosexual, speed but what till then...

Dedication!

Whenever I pick up a book, I immediately turn a few pages to find those few lines that sum up whom the author deems worthy of honoring. It's such a beautiful, timeless way to thank and bless the person or people in one's life.

Though I don't have a book (maybe someday!), I do have this blog now. And like at the start of every book, I've been thinking about who deserves such a dedication especially with so much of effort being put on my part. Whom would I thank? Whom would I attribute this blog to?

The answer thou came easily….

There can be none other than my parents who have shaped me more than any other so far.

So here is my dedication:

All that I am or ever hope to be,
I owe to my loving parents!

My parents have been the strongest influence on me. But often I leave my appreciation and love unspoken. I take this chance to thank them for the affection and care they showered on me. It is because of their caring and nurturing that I am what I am today.
I owe all my life to them and I pray to God to bless them with good health!

Mom, Dad -- I love you and miss you!

Peer Pressure!!

After putting in much thought because of peer pressure, I finally decided to start a blog of my own. Being an MBA student, it is a disgrace not to be involved in a social networking tool. Just about everywhere we look these days, social networking sites envelope us. As a matter of fact they slowly choke us to death or at least that is how it feels with the burden of having to join this and that site. If you don’t twitter, you are simply not cool these days.

Friends, don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming anyone here or pointing fingers. I am not anti-social but have pretty good reasons for not starting a blog. But today, like on most of other occasions, I am just FOLLOWING THE CROWD....

1. I have hardly any time. Though that’s not true these days but I still have other better things to do: Sleep, watch movies, scratch my head on puzzles, play games etc. Maintaining a blog wouldn’t help me manage my time better.
2. Being an enthusiastic management student, I am a voracious reader but am hardly ever satisfied with the quality of my writing. This habit of mine very often refrains me from publishing my writing. I mean why would you want to publish online something that you don’t even like?
3. If I manage to ever write something that I am satisfied with, wouldn’t I rather give it to a newspaper or magazine? That way the piece would get more publicity and I would get some money.
4. I can talk. I seriously wouldn’t need to write a blog to express myself.
5. The laptop isn’t reliable, at all. The other day, after typing up a whole mail, I accidentally shut it without saving. At least what I write on paper cannot be erased in a single click of the hand. Now, I am typing this thing in Microsoft word and transferring it to the blog- what fun!

Despite the fact that I have a number of reasons why I shouldn’t blog, I like the way my friends put it- a blog is like your email to the world. I’ve come up with a number of topics I’d like to write about. I will write, in the close future. At least I’ll try. If you see a new post on my blog by next week, assume that I had the time and the will. If not, … well, I will write.

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!